Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in whiteturrets' LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
8:00 pm	Worried About Rory Worrying. Something is bothering Rory and he won't tell me what. I think it's partly the horse and partly the difficulty in arranging the christening and, of course, his concern for Father Gill, who is still not at all well, but there's more to it. I think he worries far too much about the children, and about me. He thinks I do too much, which is laughable when I have the staff to help and he does more than me anyway. Any time Bryony so much as bumps her head, he feels like a failure as a father. Patrick has started teething now and Rory never could stand to see his children crying when he has no way to make things better. I just wish he knew how everyone talks about him. Other women point him out to their own husbands as an example of how to get it right. I hate seeing him so stressed. It's so unusual for him. All I can do for now is try to make him feel better. So tonight, we're having colcannon and then, when the kids are all asleep, I'll lure him into his room and distract him properly. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
5:02 am	Yesterday, Rory took Bryony, Emily, Jenny and Rhys to see the animals Will is looking after up in the wildlife hut. I was in the study pretending to work on a chapter when Alex knocked on the door. "Wanna stroke my ferret?" he said. "Be very careful to whom you say that and under what circumstances." I said, "You'd better come in." He came in and gave me Nugget to hold. "Sorry about the trouble on Sunday." he said, "I hope it wasn't Rhys that caused it. He hero-worships Bryony and I suspect she may have been trying not to disappoint him." "None of them meant any harm." I said, "I just worry about what she'll do next. It's a miracle she's survived this long. She never listens." "She listens to every word, she just doesn't always like what they're saying and she won't be told she can't do what she has set her heart on doing. Some relative of hers once bought a large country estate and then spent a fortune on making it viable." "She's not like me. She's like Rory. She has this wild streak." "Yes, like Callanish, or Connemara, or the Brecon Beacons." "His family have told me all the crazy, dangerous things he did as a child." "And you never did any?" said Alex. "Shut up, Alex." I said. "I seem to remember something you said about climbing trees." "I'd never have gone near a horse that size." "You're never going to be able to keep O'Connals away from horses. It's like trying to keep a Walker out of an argument." "She'll probably never listen to me again. I was cross with her. I made her cry." I said, "Rory stays so calm and I just get angry." "A few months ago, we were staying on a farm in France and Rhys somehow got in with the pigs. I yelled at him and told him they'd bite his fingers off. We can't be calm and rational, Emma. We're parents. We get through life in a kind of managed hysteria." "Rory doesn't." "Rory is eighty percent blarney. Do you think he was any less scared? He just hides it better." "He never loses his temper." I said. "I suspect he did his angry bit at the scene of the crime. By the time he told you, he was over it." "Jenny said it was all her fault." I said. "Did Bryony agree?" "No. Bryony said it was just her." "Well, when it comes to worthwhile things to instil in our children, integrity beats common sense. A lot of three year olds would have been telling you it was Jenny from the start." he said. "Bryony has always been very honest." I said. "She's a good kid. She just needs a bit more risk in her life." "Less, you mean." I said. "She's frustrated, because she's too little to do all the exciting things she sees bigger kids doing. Give her a few managed risks and she'll calm down a bit. You know, she wants to appear a good rider because she wants to be a proper O'Connal. She's just in a hurry to grow up and impress everyone." "By the time she's ten, she'll hate her dragon mother." I said. "She cried because she'd fallen short of what you expect from her." he said. "I just don't know how to talk to kids. Rory is such a perfect father. He never makes mistakes." "Must be hard, being married to a perfect man." "I could never have married an imperfect one." "At the risk of destroying your marriage, I have to point out that he's human too. He's just less worried about it." said Alex, "We're all fallible. It's good for the kids that we are. Imagine growing up with parents who never got anything wrong! You'd feel so totally inadequate and stupid. Human parents are the best people to bring up human children. Robots, however perfect, just don't have what it takes." "I think Bryony might prefer a robot. I shout too much." "Bryony loves you. That's why she gets upset when you're cross." "She asked if she'd still get her party. I'd never cancel a party to punish her." "A lot of parents would. I expect she's heard that kind of threat." "I want her to have a great party." "She will." said Alex, "And she's having a great childhood." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 26th, 2009
6:36 am	Losing Last night, Rory raised the issue of playgroup again. The simple fact is that if we send Bryony to playgroup, she'll be out of our reach and at the mercy of all the dangers the world can offer. It also sets an unfortunate precedent. In a couple of years, Jenny and her other friends will be going to school and she will want to go too, especially if she enjoys playgroup. All our plans for educating her at home will fall apart if we fill her head with the idea that what her friends do is right for her. Rory thinks I'm just afraid to let go, and in some ways he's right. I'm also well aware that she thinks I'm a good mother because she doesn't really know many others. I know there's going to come a time when she recognises my failings, but I don't want it to be yet. I told Rory that and he hugged me and said if I could see what everyone else can see I wouldn't be insecure. If he knew how often I'm just wildly guessing what to do, he wouldn't think so much of me. I told him I need to think. Hopefully, she'll change her mind. She can change it daily these days. If she doesn't, I may have to let her go, but I feel like I'd lose her if I did. Things here would never be the same again. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
6:50 am	Last night, Patrick was very sulky and wouldn't go to sleep although he was very tired. I tried tickling his feet and singing to him and nothing seemed to help. Then Bryony came up with her arms full of cuddly toys and said, "I'm tired, Mummy." ( Read more... ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
5:44 am	Rory fell off his horse in the woods and I called him an idiot. Worse, I did it in front of Bryony. ( Read more... ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 4th, 2009
5:55 am	Last Night I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing last night. Patrick looked so tiny and so helpless and I just felt like a terrible mother for even wanting a night away from them all. I kept checking that Ana had the numbers for the cottage and Gary and Ravensmoore and then I asked Bryony if she had everything and she showed me a case which did indeed seem to have everything in it. Ana put up with all my fussing but gently insisted that I should go and meet Rory in the cottage. ( Read more... ) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
6:29 am	Not Entirely Rational Yesterday, I tried to change Frances twice, once before I changed Patrick and once after. I lose track sometimes of how many babies there are. Sometimes it seems like five. Thankfully, Rory wasn't there to witness it. He was taking Bryony to ride her pony and didn't get back until the twins were changed, fed and being fussed over by their great grandmother. ( Read more... ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 25th, 2009
10:49 am	I was worried about what Rory was going to say after our trip to Foxton. I knew what Richard would have said to his wife, he'd said a lot of it to me. I was expecting much the same from Rory. When we got home, he asked how I was feeling and I said I was fine. "I was worried." he said. "Sorry." I said, "I needed to get something for your birthday." "Emma, under the circumstances, I'm amazed you remembered my birthday." ( Read more... ) (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 24th, 2009
8:23 am	Foxton It's Rory's birthday on Monday and I meant to buy him something a week ago, but then the twins arrived and shopping was out of the question. Yesterday, I decided to go into Foxton. I hated the thought of leaving the twins behind, but I knew taking them with me would be impossible. Bryony was easier. She likes to go on the bus, especially on the double deckers where she can sit at the front and pretend to drive. I knew telling Rory would be hopeless. He'd make me stay home by fair means or foul. I waited until he was changing the twins and then I left a note and took Bryony quickly to the bus stop. ( Read more... ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 22nd, 2009
7:39 am	Not Sleeping In the night, Patrick coughed and woke me. For a moment, there was panic, then I calmed down, when I saw that he was fine. Rory had woken too and we looked at each other's anxious faces and smiled. Patrick went back to sleep and I tried to sleep too, but I just lay there thinking of how foolish I'd been to worry so much. ( Read more... ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 21st, 2009
12:19 pm	Rory's grandmother has always been good to me. Long before Rory and I were officially a couple, she treated me as part of the family. Since she arrived here, she has been so kind and supportive, always telling me I'm doing the right thing with the children. ( Read more... ) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 18th, 2009
8:10 am	Romantic Interlude Last night, I'd agreed to meet Rory in the ballroom after the babies and Bryony went to sleep. I was wearing my blue velvet dress. Thankfully, it still looks good even at my present size. When I got to the ballroom, Rory had set up a little table and was sitting there in soft candlelight, dressed in a dinner suit. Usually, getting him to wear a tie is hard work. ( Read more... ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 15th, 2009
6:18 pm	Tired I've barely left my bed all week. I was worried Rory would get fed up with running around after me, but he's been very sweet about it and this morning, he surrounded me with vases of blossom from the hawthorn trees. Ana and the girls help so much too, taking care of Bryony when I am just too tired. ( Read more... ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 12th, 2009
5:31 pm	On Sunday night, I barely slept and I don't think Rory slept at all. We were both watching Patrick and Frances, but especially Patrick, afraid he would stop breathing. Any fears I had that I would not be able to love them as I love Bryony were groundless. I find I love each one as if they were the only one and the new twins are surprisingly definite and unique personalities already. By Monday morning, my fears about Patrick had subsided considerably. He didn't look quite so frail and likely to die. The twins definitely want to be together. They cling to each other like monkeys and are only distressed when parted. Everyone says Frances looks like me, but she is beautiful, so I don't think she does. She cries rather stridently when she wants to be fed, whereas Patrick merely whimpers. It's not easy, feeding both at once, but I think I'll get used to it. There is still room in the bed for the whole family, which is good, because neither Rory nor Bryony can bear to be out of reach of the babies, so if space ran out, I'd be the one sleeping on the floor. Last night, after Bryony fell asleep, Rory asked me how I felt. It's hard to say, right now. I feel as if I've stolen the two most beautiful stars from the heavens and found that they are as fragile as gossamer. I'm afraid to hold them and afraid to let them go and I just keep looking at my reassuringly robust elder daughter and reminding myself that she somehow survived those early days. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 8th, 2009
9:24 pm	My Sleeping Husband Last night, when my husband could finally tear himself away from his daughter's insatiable demand for more bedtime stories, we had a quiet supper together and then had an early night, more for my sake than for his, I suspect, although he pretended to be very tired. ( Read more... ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
7:16 am	Bryony is getting anxious about the birth. Someone told her babies had to be cut out and we had to reassure her. She keeps asking me if it will hurt me and if she hurt me. Rory thinks it's only natural for her to worry about it, now that she's reached an age when she's more aware of other people's capacity for suffering. I just hope she doesn't get too upset by all of this. Ana is such a great help. We talk for hours and she makes me feel so calm about everything and she has a wonderful instinct for knowing when to take Bryony out for a while. Rory's being wonderful too. Only he could make me feel beautiful and amazing now. He keeps flirting, even though I look like a whale. When I get nervous, he just kisses me and says all will be fine. Somehow, I end up believing him. Last night, I woke in the night and felt the babies moving and I just lay there, enjoying the feeling of being so close to them. It won't last forever. Might as well enjoy it while I can. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
6:50 am	Ana and Rory I love having Ana here. It's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands me so well. Rory understands me, I know, but he doesn't know what it's like to be pregnant with twins and Ana is so reassuring about it. After all Gary's horror stories, it's nice to hear that it isn't such a terrible thing to go through. I was worried at first that Rory might be jealous with me spending so much time with Ana. He hasn't seen much of me for the past few days and Bryony has deserted us entirely and is practically living with Ana and her daughters. Last night, though, as I lay happily in his arms, he said, "I love Ana. She's great." "You don't mind me being with them so much?" I said. He kissed me and said, "The more time you spend with them, the more relaxed you are when it's my turn. When you talk to Gary, I have to spend an hour trying to calm you down." I'm definitely seeing a much more positive side to having twins now. I love the idea of having two more like Bryony running around, two more like Rory to smile at me. It still feels strange, thinking that there are really two babies where there hardly seemed to be room for one, but Ana says it will be fine and she has her beautiful twins to prove that she knows what she's talking about. I woke in the early hours and watched the room grow lighter. Rory looked so peaceful and contented. I snuggled up close to him and I heard him whisper, "I love you, Emma." He's never quite as asleep as I think. It's funny now to think of how many times I refused to marry him and how endlessly I assured him we could never make each other happy. We are happy. And all those warnings that I would never give him children seem a little inaccurate now, with Bryony running around the house shouting that she's a kiwi and two children, unknown as yet, but likely to be just as warm, funny and wonderful as her growing inside me. I was always afraid he would change my life with those blue eyes of his. He certainly did. I'm a mother! And I never thought I had the qualifications. I also never knew how big the rewards could be. When Bryony shouts, "Mummy!" and flings her arms around me, I know I made the right decision when I said yes to Rory. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
12:29 pm	This Morning I woke up in the early hours and couldn't get back to sleep. I didn't want to disturb Rory and Bryony, so I went downstairs and made myself a cup of tea. After a while, Rory came in and poured himself one. He sat opposite me at the kitchen table and said, "My wife's left me." "I'm sure it's only temporary." I said. ( Read more... ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2009
10:37 am	Only With Rory I'm not the kind who can cope with twins. When we first found out we were having twins, I just wanted to cry. I was sure it would be a disaster and that I just wouldn't be able to look after both twins and Bryony too. ( Read more... ) (Comment on this)
Monday, October 27th, 2008
9:44 pm	:) It's a strange life I've been living since I married Rory. I said I'd never marry and I did, said I'd never have children, and I'm now expecting the second and Bryony is so much the centre of my world that I don't remember how I spent my time when she was not with me. ( Read more... ) (Comment on this)