whiteturrets (whiteturrets) wrote,
whiteturrets
whiteturrets

Losing

Last night, Rory raised the issue of playgroup again. The simple fact is that if we send Bryony to playgroup, she'll be out of our reach and at the mercy of all the dangers the world can offer. It also sets an unfortunate precedent. In a couple of years, Jenny and her other friends will be going to school and she will want to go too, especially if she enjoys playgroup. All our plans for educating her at home will fall apart if we fill her head with the idea that what her friends do is right for her.

Rory thinks I'm just afraid to let go, and in some ways he's right. I'm also well aware that she thinks I'm a good mother because she doesn't really know many others. I know there's going to come a time when she recognises my failings, but I don't want it to be yet. I told Rory that and he hugged me and said if I could see what everyone else can see I wouldn't be insecure. If he knew how often I'm just wildly guessing what to do, he wouldn't think so much of me.

I told him I need to think. Hopefully, she'll change her mind. She can change it daily these days. If she doesn't, I may have to let her go, but I feel like I'd lose her if I did. Things here would never be the same again.
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